The Loss [Draft 2]

 
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Korthan
Ferox


Joined: 28 Nov 2006
Posts: 302

PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 2:11 am    Post subject: The Loss [Draft 2] Reply with quote

Ten minutes. Ten dreadfully long minutes left until freedom

Korthan stared at the digital clock mounted on the far wall of the classroom for what felt like an eternity. Bright sunlight invaded the classroom through the tall, clear poly carbon windows on the left wall, blanketing the room in a golden glow. Twenty desks with computer stations in them dominated the floor with their residents hunched over them plugging away at their individual exams. The instructor sat stolidly behind his moderately sized desk at the head of the room, his eyes searching for the weary student trying to cheat.

Miserly scowls and looks full of hatred would find their way to Korthan periodically as he sat silently at his station, drumming away the time with his thumb and index finger. He tried to ignore them as best he could, his mental walls were very high indeed, but sometimes the hate would climb over and get to him, causing him never ending grief.

His intelligence was his gift, he could instantly memorize everything he read, saw, and/or heard. With the gift came the curse filled with hate, jealousy, and anger of other students who couldn’t stand his pompous ass and his ‘mightier than thou’ attitude and correcting whenever they made a mistake.

If only there was a way I could control it. Then just maybe I’d have a pleasant day.

A small beeping sound crept out from the instructor’s desk and without hesitation he picked it up. A wave of sadness seemed to creep into his face as he listened to whatever was being said by the other side. He closed the channel and slowly laid his hands on his desk, breathing slowly before looking up and directly at Korthan sorrow in his dark, hazel eyes.

What’s he looking at me for? Wait a minute… what is that look for?

With a visible sigh the instructor stood up from his desk and said, “Korthan you’re attendance is required by Dr. Kyou in the main office. You’ll be dismissed afterward so hand me your test and be sure to take your things with you.”

Standing up with uncertainty growing in his stomach, giving him a sickening feeling, Korthan grabbed his bag and test and walked up to the instructor. The instructor took the test gently, then laid a hand on Korthan’s shoulder and gave a slight squeeze accompanied with a small nod. Korthan walked down the silent hallways, wondering what in the world was going on, the pit in his stomach growing slowly making him nervous; something he rarely felt. He had a feeling that this wasn’t another complaint from a student about his correcting or pompousness.

He finally reached the main office in the west wing of the school and came to the secretary’s desk. She looked up, nodded and moved to the double doors adjacent to her small cubical. Knocking softly, she opened the doors and gestured Korthan through and then closed the doors silently after he had entered. A quiet sniffle drifted through the doors as they were closed causing Korthan to look back with a worried look. The school counselor Dr. Kyou stood silently at one of the giant windows, looking out at the masses of students and faculty walking around like little robots, each with their own purpose. She turned around at the sound of his entry and smiled one of her crooked smiles, one Korthan never came to like for some reason.

This definitely has to be important for her to be here, I just wish I knew what the damn reason was!

“Please set your things there and have a seat here by the desk,” She said in her heavy Civire accent, indicating one of the big leather chairs near the center of the office.

Korthan walked slowly to the chair, taking time to gather himself while he tried to control the sick feeling in his stomach. He stumbled slightly from the nervousness coursing through his body as he crossed the office to the chair, the counselor offer him another of her crooked smiles.

The counselor visibly paused and drew a steadying breath and looked Korthan straight in the eyes, a hint of sorrow also hiding in their depths. “Korthan I’m afraid I have to give you some bad news, well terrible would better fit it, but that’s neither here nor there. You’re brother was killed today at the factory plant in an uncontrolled explosion.”

Korthan was struck dumbfounded as he closed and opened his mouth a few times fumbling for something to say. Nothing came out as a choking feeling grasped his throat constricting it as grief flooded his body, causing him to squint and bend over in pain and misery. A mammoth sized hold had just been torn through his heart where his brother had once resided. Tears flowed from his eyes in rivers down his cheeks, leaving wet streaks across his face.

This can’t be, this just can’t be, Sothan is alive at home right now, he’s not dead. He’s not dead damn it!

The walls protecting Korthan’s mind, crumbled to dust as if they were never constructed. An overwhelming sense of dread and sorrow burrowed deep into all the recesses of his head not allowing him a moment to try and recover himself from the shock. The counselor walked quickly around her desk and kneeled at Korthan’s side mumbling random words and started rubbing his back in a futile attempt to comfort him.

Korthan’s father arrived at the school only a few minutes later and helped escort the near unconscious body of his son into the car. That car ride was the longest in Korthan’s life as he stared blankly at the world passing by, his mind still trying to cope with what he’d just been told and what he’d have to face and come to accept in the near future.
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Korthan
Ferox


Joined: 28 Nov 2006
Posts: 302

PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 5:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

/emote goes emo and cuts wrists cuz Shintoko hasn't replied to my new draft yet Crying or Very sad

I had to post this for some odd reason Razz
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Shintoko Akahoshi
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Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 1101

PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right, all right! Some of us had jury duty, considering the case of the worst criminal ever (it's all over, which is why I can even say that). Anyways, here are some quick-o notes:

This one is much better than your previous draft. In general, I feel much more a part of the story, drawn into it, instead of just watching it happen. Here are some specific things I noticed about it:

Quote:
His intelligence was his gift, he could ...


Can you think of a way of showing how this is the case, instead of just telling us?

Quote:
What’s he looking at me for? Wait a minute… what is that look for?


This is really well done. You get a little glimpse of Korthan's disposition from this.

Quote:
Standing up with uncertainty growing in his stomach, giving him a sickening feeling...


This is kind of passive, it distances the reader from the events. Try to write something that's a little more active, a little more immediate. Maybe something like "Standing, Korthan grabbed his back and test and walked up to the instructor. His stomach roiled with greasy, sickening uncertainty." Not that you should write something that cliche, but you see how it makes you feel like you're right there, instead of just noting Korthan's reactions?

You get the same thing out of Korthan's reactions to Sothan's death. Don't say "a choking feeling grasped his throat", say "he was choking" or "he couldn't breathe". Don't say "...causing him to bend over in pain and misery", say "he collapsed, pain and misery sweeping through..." The way it's written, it seems like there's some researcher somewhere making these notes "this stimuli caused the subject to react thusly..."

You should describe the people and scenes a bit. You don't have to spend lots of space doing so, if you want to keep the story short, but you should do this a little bit.
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