The Loss [Draft 1]

 
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Korthan
Ferox


Joined: 28 Nov 2006
Posts: 302

PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:04 pm    Post subject: The Loss [Draft 1] Reply with quote

Ten minutes. Ten dreadfully long minutes left until freedom

Korthan stared at the digital clock mounted on the far wall of the classroom. Having finished his exam twenty minutes earlier, he had had nothing better to do that stare unflinchingly at the clock waiting for the buzzer to sound and give him his freedom. Periodically he’d slowly gaze around the small room. Stark white lamps illuminated the small room. Twenty desks with built in computers and twenty users sat at them. At the front of the room a slightly larger desk held residence for the instructor who was now leaned as far back in his chair as he could, snoring.

Hooded looks of jealousy and anger would shoot at him every now and then from the other students still working at their exams. His smartness was a gift and a curse at the same time. School was a breeze for him and yet it was his own hell as everyone seemed to hate him.

If only I could keep my mouth closed more often maybe they wouldn’t hate me so much, just maybe.

A sudden dial tone sounded from the instructor’s desk reviving him from his nap. Sitting up suddenly caused his chair to squeal in protest startling several students. The instructor talked in whispers through the phone to whoever was on the other side, then looked up directly at Korthan and laid his head in his free hand.

Oh this figures, probably someone complaining about my correcting again, that’s only what, the third maybe fourth time so far this week?

“Korthan the Head needs to talk to you in his office. Give me your test and go on ahead with your things,” The instructor said upon hanging up. He stood slightly to take the datapad from Korthan as he headed towards the door, several snickers following him out.

Korthan walked down the silent hallways, slowly making his way to the Head’s office where no doubt some kid in one of his classes sat complaining about him constantly correcting everyone, not that Korthan could really help it since it was more of a compulsive thing; another curse.

The secretary quietly opened the door into the office and allowed Korthan to walk through before quietly closing the doors. Two chairs resided in the middle of a dark, fur rug before a massive desk behind which the Head sat. Korthan noticed with some alarm that the school’s personal counselor was present also.

Yeah this definitely has to do with some kid feeling inferior when I open my mouth every time. No other reason Dr. Kyou would be here.

“Please take a seat Korthan this is going to take a few minutes at least,” The head opened, indicating one of the chairs. The counselor moved to the other chair and sat down as well.

“We have some… news for you. Not the best kind to be the bearer of, but you have to know,” The head said heavily then sighing. A moment passed silently. “You’re brother had an… accident at the factory earlier today, about an hour ago and has passed on. No one is sure of the reason, but they are saying it looked like a drone malfunction.”

Wait? Sothan is... gone? There is no way he can be gone, there is just NO WAY!!!

Realization hit Korthan like a ton of bricks. He just sat there silently processing what he’d just heard, tears welling up in his eyes. Gone? That’s impossible he was scheduled to leave for the Academy in only a week, there is no way he’d miss that. Tears started cascading down his cheeks as he started to cry uncontrollably, and Korthan cried out in despair and sorrow at the loss of his best friend and only brother.

The Dean stood up and walked around his desk to kneel before Korthan. “Sothan was just as gifted and special as you are. It doesn’t seem right that he be taken now when he’s so young but fate has its own ways that we can’t understand.”

“Indeed, it seems like it is impossible for him to leave us so suddenly, yet it was just his time to move on,” The counselor added softly rubbing Korthan’s back sympathetically

“We’ve already contacted your father and he is on his way to pick you up to go home. We’ve given you a weeks vacation from school and all your teachers will have cleared your assignments until you return,” the Dean stated, looking into Korthan’s blurred eyes.

Sothan why have you left me all alone?! You’re the only one who understood me and now I don’t even have that comfort anymore. I’m all alone. . .

Ten minutes later Korthan was seated in the back of his father’s speeder, a blank look on his pale face as he registered the death of his brother.
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Shintoko Akahoshi
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Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 1101

PostPosted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm gonna brutally rip into this, and critique it to death.

With love... Very Happy

Because I think it's got some good potential:

- Show, don't tell. I know it's a cliche, but it's a cliche because most writers don't do it. "If only I could keep my mouth closed more often maybe they wouldn’t hate me so much, just maybe. "; "...constantly correcting everyone, not that Korthan could really help it since it was more of a compulsive thing; another curse.
"; "Realization hit Korthan like a ton of bricks." - these are all areas where you have the opportunity to show something, through memory or description or action.

- Use descriptions more. These can set moods, and carry the reader into the story.

- "His smartness was a gift" should be "His intelligence was a gift"

- The instructor talked in whispers" should be "The instructor spoke in whispers"

- The snoring instructor really is an unrealistic stereotype. Don't use stereotypes.

- Korthan is upset at his brothers death, this is obvious to anyone with any whit of empathy. However, you leave it for the reader to infer this, and just basically state what Korthan feels. This is a major crisis, and it's an opportunity for you to really show who Korthan is.
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Korthan
Ferox


Joined: 28 Nov 2006
Posts: 302

PostPosted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 1:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

/emote runs off in tears at shintoko's 'critique'

Yeah that's why it's a draft Wink but yeah still got a lot of polishing up to do.

Edit: How about you rewrite it with your uber grammar knowledge? j/king but yeah thanks for the tips
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