On Deployment

 
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Nicodiemus
Chief Haxor of teh World!!1


Joined: 07 Apr 2006
Posts: 186

PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 1:32 pm    Post subject: On Deployment Reply with quote

A bulky Civire stood quietly in the middle of a street, a cigar held to his mouth in one hand.
It was cold. Unusually cold for a Gallente world. Smoke whipped around him in the wind, the fine
The fine Serpentis tobacco was almost overpowered by the stink of riot control gasses and neurotoxins.

The man threw the cigar down in disgust and turned to face the source of his displeasure.
A Gallente Planetary Police force tank. It was shouting at him from a loudspeaker array.
The crew of the bulbous object were demanding he put down his weapons and such drivel.

With a sigh, the large man dropped the commandeered blaster rifle from beneath his voluminous
trenchcoat, and made a show of raising his hands.

The tank began to creep towards him, and he knew the underside prisoner door would be opening to contain him once he'd laid down. Even if he managed to escape, the suspensor field from the tank would have crushed him.

Fortunately, this would not be an issue.

The tank became a speck in the middle of his field of vision, as his neural implants came online. Streams of code and connectivity became his world, and the hulking, cautious tank became a bright point in the nearby datasphere. He broke the tank's active firewall like a hammer would break an egg.

The tank ground to a halt, and deployed its main gun. Before it even started to rotate, the tank's suspensor fields reversed their field polarity. The ensuing EM pulse fried most of the tank's electronics, and it went dark on the network.

When his vision returned to normal, the tank was a stationary lump of metal sitting on the plascrete.
The crew could he heard banging on the hatch.

The man's NeoCom came online silently, and opened a secure channel to the Caldari State.

"Zaitsev. Go."
"You didn't tell me they would find out THIS quickly. Nor that they'd use armor."
"You'll live, Nico."
"Old bastard."

The line disconnected.

He hefted the canister slung under one arm, and once more started walking in the direction of the Orbital Relay station.

Nicodiemus had a job to do.
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Davlos
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 2:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

<3
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Shintoko Akahoshi
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In general I like this, so I feel justified in brutally critiquing it. Twisted Evil

Actually, there are only a couple of things that I had problems with.

#1 - Is this one of those "I am a mighty God, striding invincibly among the human carrion!" stories that you see too often? I didn't think so, but it does come across that way. Nico takes out a tank with his implants. Is this something that any pod pilot could do? Does it rely on Nicos talents? Special implants? If it's an unusual talent/ability, it needs to be clear.

#2 - What's with the riot control gasses and neurotoxins? Set the stage a little more, please. I'm sure there's an interesting story behind this, but without it you just kind of pass over the beginning of your story.

#3 - "Fortunately, this would not be an issue." This takes away all the uncertainty in the story.

Other than that, though, it's a good story. I especially like the vivid descriptions.
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Kale Ryoko
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mmm, Nico-fiction has always rawked.

Very Ghost in the Shell, just how I like it, so you automatically get points for vision. I have to admit that although it does come across as a little omnipotent, it still strikes me as quite believable, dependant on what you're actually up against.

Implants offering wireless access to the planets net-sphere or something I'd imagine would explain you being able to hack into the military security and disable its firewall all via your implants and knowledge of security systems. Although it would depend on how strong the security was for that type of military - you'd probably need to go into more detail about how they're perhaps not the best of the best - since you did break into their security-net really easily. Perhaps they are simpleton civilian police... or?

Of course capsuleers and their abilities enhance them to the point of the elite of the elite, with obviously ranking amongst the capsuleers themselves. But at the same time, rememberance that the planet will probably be aware of what capsuleers are, on average, able to do.

Also #2 on Shintoko's reply, its all very abstract - although it does paint a very nice picture. Perhaps it was only your goal to write something random and offbeat, throwing you into an offset scene purely for entertainment value. But I demand more atmosphere!!


Twisted Evil

Write more <3
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Nicodiemus
Chief Haxor of teh World!!1


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 11:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the critique, guys. Appreciated. Smile

They were simpleton police.

Nico's back story goes that he was mortally wounded in the boarding of a ship, and had the majority of his body replaced with prosthesis, hence unaffected by riot suppressors.

I guess i did skip over that, since i wrote it as if the reader knew Nico's back story.

He's not ever going to have a problem with police, more of a problem with private security, and unless he's got a Big Gun, he's fucked if the military get involved.

I didn't want to convey the impression he was invincible, but let's just say if that tank's main armament had been fired, Nico would be neatly distributed all over the opposite pavement.

He's more robust than a normal chap, but not invincible.
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Yuki Li
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 1:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
He's not ever going to have a problem with police, more of a problem with private security, and unless he's got a Big Gun, he's fucked if the military get involved.

I didn't want to convey the impression he was invincible, but let's just say if that tank's main armament had been fired, Nico would be neatly distributed all over the opposite pavement.


I'd put that into the story, throw the reader a little doubt as to the outcome.. Wink
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Shintoko Akahoshi
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seconded. And maybe add some detail to the hacking thing, make it a little less predetermined-sounding. Like he's got one chance to take the thing out, and he'd better take that chance before the tank crew realizes he's not going down to the suppressants.
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