The Law of Silence (edited and reposted)

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Yuki Li

Joined: 08 Mar 2006
Posts: 2366

PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 10:50 pm    Post subject: The Law of Silence (edited and reposted) Reply with quote

This is the story of how Omerta Syndicate reformed and took position as an Ishukone subsidiary. They had to perform a job for Ishukone to earn the position - this was it.

This is an old piece reposted after some editing, that was lost during our forum-death.

As the flames of retribution cast our shadows upon the cold ground remember that we are the true Caldari.
Never forget that it is only the guilty we kill, delivering our enemies to their makers for judgement.
This is our drum, we beat it for the state, and we will defend it with our finger on a cataclysm trigger.

Part 1 - My best side was your worst invention

Introduction // Lights Out
Day Three - 4:35PM - Kourmonen, The Bleak Lands.

Her heart pounded endlessly against her ribs as she paced quickly down the long corridor, her heels clicking against the marble surface with each step.
Yuki Li wore a jet black suit and white blouse, the skirt ending just above the knee. The top buttons of the blouse were undone, she was burning up - fear, anticipation, she wasn't sure.
As she approached the door at the end of the hallway a tiny bead of sweat formed on her brow, quickly dismissed by by the back of her left hand on its way up to remove a clip from her hair. She dropped the clip to the floor and let her hair fell around her shoulders.

A faint murmuring could be heard from the end of the corridor, eminating from the room behind the door, the door she was heading towards.

Yuki reached into her suit jacket and pulled out a well sized pistol, examining it for a moment, admiring the craftmanship that had gone into its production.
The .45 caliber tactical rail pistol reflected the bright light from above, the gleaming barrel bearing the Ishukone logo, engraved into the steel.
She flicked off the safety, a loud click coming from the gun as a round was automatically pulled into the breach, the click echoed down the narrow hallway, dwarfing the reccuring sound of her heels.

As she opened the door she sought, taking a deep breath, Yuki brought the weapon up to take aim at her first target.

Chapter 1 // Tears Before My Eyes
Day One - 2:00PM - Airaken, The Forge.

"And all the things that you never ever told me..."
- My Chemical Romance

For years he'd been gone, 'missing, presumed dead' was all she'd been told by the authorities, though Kale had given her more of an insight. Despite what they said, despite what even Kale said, Yuki had never truly believed he'd died at Palermo - she couldn't he'd taken her in at her weakest and turned her into what she was today. Even with her belief in his survival, actually seeing him again had left her shocked, for lack of a more appropriate word.
She embraced him, hugging her uncle tightly, relief flooding through her, vanquishing much of the shock and standing in its stead, it swept over her like a warm blanket. The lamp in the corner of the room flickered sporadically, a distraction for her to focus on, to allow her to fight back tears, not wishing to appear weak before her mentor.
Vassili Zaitsev returned the hug, unsuprised by her reaction, he was expecting her to cry at any moment, but she held strong.
He saw straight through her, fully knowing she was fighting it, but remained silent.

'I knew you were okay.'
Her words were quiet, to avoid letting on the emotional strain in her voice.

'I'm sorry Yuki, i had to disappear for a while. Until things calmed down'
She nodded into his chest silently.

He spoke again.
'Now i'm back, and i'd like you to join me in something... i think you're ready.'
Yuki looked up at him, he was taller than her, over 6 feet tall, in comparison to her 5'5.

'In what?'
She continued to gaze at him curiously, a slight tear formed glazing over her eyes.

'In reforming Omerta Syndicate'
A smirk crossed his lips as he ended the sentence, as he noticed her reaction - a mixture of suprise, anticipation and excitement.

He continued; 'I'll be speaking to Kale too, i'd really like you in on this.'

'Of course... i will...' Yuki's tone was none too convincing, affected by thoughts of leaving friends behind, Phantom Squad having been her home for a couple of months.

'You don't seem sure' He replied

'I am, it's fine, let's do it' She smiled warmly.

Satisfied, Vassili pulled a briefcase up onto the table, the hug broken, and flicked it open, exposing a series of documents. Logistics, new research initiatives, a re-entry to Ishukone's corporate tree and more. He turned the case to Yuki.

'Take a look.'
She pulled the top stack of papers out, reading the title, then flicked it open.

Chapter 2 // No Way Out
Day Three - 4:35PM - Kourmonen, The Bleak Lands.

"All the wounds that are ever gonna scar me, for all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me, if i fall"
- My Chemical Romance

As her index finger pulled tight on the trigger the first antimatter shell exploded from the barrel, the gun bucking in her hand, only to be pulled back on target as she pumped the trigger again, and again.
The first suited man hadn't even had the chance to decipher the situation, her turned, he saw, he died. Blood sprayed the walls as more shells were launched from the handgun, she fired two shells at each, though most were dead after the first.

Yuki Li looked around at the destruction as the last of the six slumped uselessly in his chair, his bodyweight overbalancing him causing his body to fall from its seat onto the floor as crimson seeped into the carpet, spreading from the gaping wounds.
Her expression was of an almost apologetic nature as she lowered the smoking weapon, aware of the heat coming from it, conducted from the barrel down the handle. Her hand was burning and red from the heat of repeated use.
She dropped out the magazine, closing her eyes for a moment and ignoring the dull thud as it hit an overturned chair at her feet, a corpse in an upturned, but still sitting position.

She was brought out of her moment of solitude by an alarm. Yuki slammed a fresh clip into the .45 as water began spraying from the ceiling, a sprinkler-like system built into the roof-panels. Same effect as conventional sprinklers only without the eyesores. She pulled the door back open to see the water was also spraying down the corridor. She spent half a moment wondering just how much of the building was being drowned by water because of a little gunsmoke, then halted her musing and began pacing back down the corridor she'd came with heels clicking once more.

As the door at the opposite end opened, Yuki took aim. Two clearly panicked guards clutching assault rifles rushed through only to get cut down on sight by antimatter shells. One's skull near exploded with the incredible impact, the other took the shell in the lung, the accuracy on antimatter ammunition nothing special, particularly at the fifteen metres that was between Yuki and her fallen targets.

She continued striding down the corridor, not having stopped even when the guards had entered, her gun still aimed at the doorway. Yuki paused when she reached the guards, pulling up an assault rifle and swinging it over her shoulder by the strap. The lung-torn guard was still alive, wheezing, in obvious pain.
Yuki kicked him onto his back, wincing as a dark red pool spread around him as he turned over, and took careful aim with the .45, emptying 4 shells into his chest, putting him out of his misery.


Ignoring the pain of an argumentative conscience she dropped the .45 clip into her hand, checking how many shots remained, 4 of the original 10 sitting pretty. She slid it back in, aware that it was her last antimatter magazine - though she carried other ammunition nothing else was quite as dangerous.

Li stepped over the dead men and out of the doorway, dripping from head to toe from the sprinklers, her mascara creating a dark blur around her eyes.Her blouse, jacket and skirt and clinging to her with every step, the clammy cold feeling adding to her distaste for the situation. A receptionist cowered behind her desk as Yuki passed, terrified she'd follow the fate of the armed guards, but fortunately for her Yuki wasn't that brand of sadistic, and just wanted to get this over with a go home.

// *** //

Vassili Zaitsev stood in the docking bay with a cigarette between his lips, Kale Ryoko a few feet from him. Vassili checked his watch, hoping Yuki would be on her way out by now. A vehicle tore across the bay at speed, a personnel carrier. He'd expected this, a carrier packed with trigger happy private security officers. Today wasn't to their day to be heroes, that was for sure.

Vassili nodded to Kale, and the pair pulled identical long barrelled assault rifles from a suitcase between the two, pumping the impact grenade launchers and taking aim at the oncoming vehicle.
Moments later two grenades hurled headlong into the carrier's broadside, flipping it onto its side. The PC slid into a safety barrier, flaming. As the thick black plumes of smoke spiralled from the wreck Zaitsev dropped the cigarette from his lips onto the ground, crushing the red hot life from it with a well placed boot.
He and Kale started to walk objectively towards the main concourse, seperated from the docking bay by a large wide set of automatic doors. A screaming woman ran past them, frantically hurrying her children towards a shuttle, panicked by the explosion. Kale smirked, keeping the assault rifle at chest level, aimed ahead. The two cut through the terrified crowd like moses through the red sea, the doors getting closer. Soon their first object would be complete.

Vassili looked a Kale with a dark smile.

'Just like old times'.

Chapter 3 // The collision of a crimson kiss
Day Three - 4:55PM - Kourmonen, The Bleak Lands

"You're all going to die down here..."
- Resident Evil

As Li closed in on the office exit, the receptionist weeped behind her desk, mumbling incoherent prayers. Yuki hadn't seen the guard slip in the long office from the back end, nor had she seen his shaking hands - a mixture of the cold from the water sprinklers and the fear, anticipation and anxiety of having to use his weapon - take aim at her.
It was only when the first plasma bolt tore the air over her shoulder, narrowly missing her head, that she reacted - diving for the nearest desk, taking a datapad with her as she tumbled over, clutching her ears as she hit the ground hard, the deafening report of a blaster in an enclosed space painful to her hearing.
More bolts followed her movement, drilling the wall and desk, each one carrying its own tiny hot-glow as they ripped through the air at tremendous speeds, colliding with, and for the most part pulverising, everything in their path.

The firing stopped.

Yuki rose to a squatted position, still low enough to use the desks for cover, bringing the weapon up to take aim, her ears ringing and her head and heart competing in a contest of violent pounding.
Beginning to pace slowly to her left, in a low orbit of the wide, battered desk she'd taken cover behind, Yuki noticed a holo-screen on the desktop. The image was showing the internal cameras, on one of which Vassili and Kale were visible.
She gazed at it for a moment, trying to work out where exactly the pair were, almost overbalancing in suprise as more blasts collided with the desk and wall, the holo-screen pulverised, carried clean off the desk and sent skidding over the cold marble floor.
The shots ended again, a dull, repeating click audible from her position. Yuki sprung onto the desk, levelling her aim at the panic stricken guard and opening fire with an uncompromising accuracy.
All four of her remaining anti-matter rounds launched from the .45 in quick succession, one round after another screaming through the simulated atmosphere of the spacestation office before smashing the hapless guard off his feet.

Click. Click. Click. Click.

Yuki finally realised her gun was empty, ending her frantic attack on the trigger. The guard was Gallente, the liberal corporation was clearly open to all cultures, a common sight amongst Ishukone subsidiaries.
The man coughed weakly, spluttering up blood as it crawled up his throat, one stricken lung wheezing bubbles up through the claret uselessly as its counterpart filled with liquid - drowning him in the very fluid all humans required in order to live. She tried to ignore the grotesque irony.

The receptionist was now crying openly, her whining and blubbering loud even from across the room. Part of Yuki wanted to join her, she'd never done anything like this before, and it felt as if her chest was going to cave in.

Finally her heartbeat began to slow, her empty gun still smoking, the barrel red hot. It was as she took a breath, her ears still ringing, that the second guard plunged headlong into her back, carrying her off the desk.

// *** //

Vassili sighed as another guard hit the ground, spilling a dark red puddle around him.

'I swear they're handing this to us'

Kale glanced at him as he spoke, the abandoned room quiet apart from Zaitsev's voice.

'Ehm. What?' Kale questioned.

'Well come on? What the hell is this?' Vassili motioned to the dead guard as the passed him, and continued. 'This resistance is dissapointing'.

Kale simply shook his head slightly in disbelief, before changing the subject.

'How far are we from Yuki's position?'

Vassili pulled a datapad from a deep pocket on the outside of his jacket and brought up an AUPS program, a piece of software that could pinpoint a persons location anywhere within an astronomical unit, all the way down to room-level provided they wore a tracker.

'Looks like she's stopped a few rooms over.'

Kale nodded. 'So are we going to meet her there?'

Vassili shook his head.
'Proceed as planned, we meet where we set rendevous, she'll just be a little later than expected i suppose'

Kale looked suprised.
'If she's stopped she may be pinned down, or injured, we should head to her.'

Vassili looked straight at Kale.
'Proceed as planned.'

// *** //

Yuki winced as she hit the ground, the apparantly unarmed guard rolling off her clumsily. He turned and dived at her again as she tried to rise to her feet, causing her to hit the ground again, only this time the guard managed to stay on top of her, his weight pinning her to the spot, all she could do was raise her arms in defense as he swung wild fists at her.

Managing to wriggle one leg from beneath him,she brought the bent leg up against her chest, and shoved her foot into his groin - it was more of a push than a kick, but effective anyway.
The guard - almost willingly - toppled backward, his own instinct protecting that particular area of the body. He clasped his hands to his groin for a few moments, before seeing Yuki's hand settle on the gun, dropping out the antimatter clip as she sprawled on her hands and knees. He knew he was dead if she brought that gun to bear, he'd watched his colleague and friend die to this woman, and now he saw her pulling a tungsten clip from her suit jacket.

She only succeeded in pushing it half-way into the handle before he once again pounced at her.

Yuki fell onto her side, skidding a little from the force of the blow, the gun sliding away from her fingers - the fresh magazine still halfway into position.
The guard sprung to his feet, roaring angrily, and drove a kick into her rib cage - further knocking the wind out of her. He did it again. And again.
Her eyes began to water.

The beating paused as the guard noticed their close proximity to his dead ally. Yuki breathed heavily, each in and exhale more painful than the last.

He picked up the dead mans personal blaster, and pulled a full magazine from the blood-soaked jacket, slamming it into the gun.

'Now bitch, how fucking big are you NOW.'

Yuki twisted on the marble floor and drove an all-or-nothing kick into his knee, sweeping him from his feet - the knee was visibly broken. Guard screamed in pain, throwing his weight at her in a desperate lunge as she flailed in a useless attempt to fight him off. She was exhausted and in pain.

Fuck it.

He tried to point the gun at Yuki, her attempts to turn his hand away fading. She slammed her knee into his, the broken bone hurling electrical signals to his brain. He fired.
The shot sliced through Yuki's arm with ease. She screamed.

Her eyes, formerly watering from pain, now filled with tears. She wanted to give in.

She slammed her knee against his once more. then again. Breaking free for a moment she lunged at her .45, a tear spilling from her eyes.
He dived after her, knocking her onto her back as she grabbed the gun. She slammed the butt against the ground - the clip sliding into place, the gun auto-loading a charge into the breach, and fired. And fired again. And kept firing until the gun was empty.

He slumped to one side.

Yuki rose weakly to her feet, off balance, and staggered towards the exit, pausing half way as the crying receptionist hit a new wave of whining. She hurled the gun at the deteis woman angrily and left the room, heading for the pre-set rendevous.

Chapter 4 // I'm Not Okay
Day Three - 5:22PM - Kourmonen, The Bleak Lands.

"Time to close my eyes, forget about this mess, and try to fix this tragic loss of innocence"
- Finch

As she reached the door, Yuki's dizziness began to take over. Her arm felt like it was burning, being scorched from her form by some invisible flame. She glanced at it, now having shed the suit jacket, a torn piece wrapped around the wound.
She felt unconsciousness slipping over her as she fell against the door she sought, trying to fight it off, her ribs throbbing as if shattered. A womans voice rang out from the security pad on the wall.

"Sorry, this is a secure area, if you have an appropriate identification please hold it infront of the scanner now."

The panel glowed a little. She scowled.
Knowing full well Vassili Zaitsev and Kale Ryoko would be within, with no idea she was right outside the door, she had no choice but to find an indentification... Yuki glanced at the holographic text above the door.

Employee Lounge

She mumbled incohrently as she pushed off the door, balancing weakly, and headed back towards the office she'd just left, still thoroughly drenched, the rag of jacket slowly saturating with crimson.
The sprinklers had long since been de-activated - she wasn't quite sure when, couldn't recollect the exact moment.

She lost her footing for a moment in the film of water that layered the floor, half-stumbling through the entrance back into the office she'd recieved her wounds.
Yuki headed toward the receptionists desk slowly, watching her feet, her eyes glazing over a little, once again having to fight the haze of unconsciousness. She slammed her hands onto the wet surface, then sweeped a datapad off, perching herself on the edge of the desk.

The young Deteis was pretty, no older than 21. She had blonde hair the just fell short of her shoulders.

Her face was coated in a sheen of tears, her eyes red, her expression one of terror. Yuki looked down at her in an almost drunken fashion, quickly killing the enebriated expression and gazing at the girl sternly.

"Get up, you're coming with me."

She whimpered pathetically, her face threatening another wave of tears.

"Get the fuck up, right now."

She broke down once again, tears spilling freely from her eyes.

"Get the fuck up right now, or i'll kill you."

The girl buried her face in her arms, bringing her knees up close to her, huddling up on the ground, shuddering with emotion and shaking with fear.

I really don't need this shit right now...

Yuki slipped off the desk and bent down, picking up the gun she'd hurled by the barrel, and paced around the side of the desk.

She knocked the woman unconscious with one blow.

// *** //

Kale, his assault rifle on his lap and his 9mm safely holstered, sat twiddling his thumbs anxiously. Zaitsev carried the same expression he always did, he was difficult to read. He checked the time every so often.

A dull thud rang out from the door behind them, barely audible through the dense walls. The door slid open.

Yuki collapsed in a heap in the doorway, her gun sliding from her fingers - the slide back, it was visibly empty of ammunition. There was a deteis with her, also unconscious, the deteis bleeding ever so slightly from her scalp.

Vassili and Kale stood in unison, moving over toward Yuki.

"Carry her, we need to get moving" Zaitsev looked concerned, for the first time all day.
Kale grabbed Yuki up, doing as asked, and picked up his assault rifle in one hand - having dropped it when he stood so quickly.

Vassili glanced at the out-cold blonde girl with a smirk, her identitity card, on a chain around her neck, still against the entry panel. He glanced at Yuki as Kale carried her and shook his head.

Chapter 5 // Burning Bridges
Day Three - 5:25PM - Kourmonen, The Bleak Lands.

"There's no need for emergency"
- 36 Crazyfists

Kale carried Yuki with relative ease, at 5'5 and with her frame she wasn't much of a problem for him. Slung over his shoulder she faded in and out of consciousness frequently, vaguely aware of her brief moments awake.
Zaitsev led the way, his rifle levelled infront of him, a .50 Neutron stashed in his overcoat as per usual, an advanced insurance policy - advanced in that it was a modified weapon, having been toyed with by the lab coats at New Palermo, so as it now drives shells at such a velocity that it drilled clean through a tritanium anti-ballistic suit.

Much to Vassili's annoyance, the alarm began to sound. Again.

He grumbled something about not knowing when to give up, and stormed on through the corridor, water splashing around his feet - serving to annoy him further.

Kale clung to the assault rifle with one hand, the strap over the other shoulder to Yuki, his right arm holding her in place while his left levelled the powerful gun, his own sidearm tucked into the back of his waistband. He checked around himself, his movements slightly more sluggish than Zaitsev's - though Yuki didn't weigh alot, having to carry her restricted his movement a great deal.

As the the pair weaved through the station offices, the water level began to rise, Kale noticed he was off balance, but had placed the blame on carrying Yuki. The truth was, the station controllers had altered the gravity simulators to push as much water as possible toward the hangars in order to get rid of it.

Vassili mused that the only way to do that, would be to evacuate and seal the main hangar, in order to safely lower the shield that prevents the entire contents of the station being sucked into void, effectively 'spacing' the excess fluid.

He began to move quicker.

"Vassili what the hell, slow down, i'm not Captain fucking Caldari." Kale shouted after him.

"We need to get to the hangar, and onto a ship, before it's sealed." Vassili's words were quiet, the confidence still eminating, but the uncaring flair missing from his attitude.

"Sealed? You didn't mention anything about getting fucking sucked into space in your so called masterplan." The irritation showed.

"That's because i didn't know they'd try to drown this entire fucking end of the station the moment a gun went off."

Kale didn't answer again, instead he pressed on, keeping pace with Vassili as Yuki hung lifelessly over his shoulder.

I've got a bad feeling about this...

Day Five - 7:59PM - New Caldari, The Forge

As the pair of deteis approached the podium, an audio strip across the top, linked to a loudspeaker build into the wall behind, the crowd looked on interestedly. Little information had been spread about what was to be announced, but many were invited to witness the mystery press release, and many had arrived.
The hall, one of many at the Intergalactic Summit designated to such actions as press releases, announcements and so on, was packed despite the mass lack of actual knowledge as to why they were here.

Several knew, but it was only a handful of people, those who would soon be a part of the venture itself. The reinvention of one of New Caldari's older corporations. A group who's controversial research had resulted in the destruction of their skyscraper 'The Palermo Center' some years earlier.

Vassili Zaitsev and Kale Ryoko looked at each other, the only negativity in their mind being that Yuki Li couldn't have been here. Vassili looked across the large group of people, a smirk crossing his lips as they gradually hushed, a small number actually recognising him, beliefs of his death vanquished - the only physical reminder of the events suggesting such being a scar across his right eye.
He placed his hands on the stand infront of him, his fingers wrapping around the edges, gripping tight.

Vassili began to speak.

"I stand before you today, a vague figure, pulled out of a dark haze by a simple realisation. The realisation i shall not explain, but recent months, the past year, have chilled my heart. For a brief time i forgot who i was, i forgot why i was here, and most importantly, i forgot about my responsibilities as a Caldari."

His gaze lowered for a moment.

"I dissapeared to preserve my own life, and now i return without fear. I return to continue that which i left behind, to prove my superiority over terrorism as a Caldari, as a part of our great State, and as President of Omerta Syndicate."

That smirk returned, things were coming into place.

"It is today i announce Omerta Syndicate has reclaimed its position as a direct subsidiary of the Ishukone corporation, and shall be recommencing business and operations as of immediatly, in a new headquarters, named New Palermo".

The name was spoken with a mixture of pride and sadness. Much like the State lost its home planet to the cowardly bombardment set upon it by the Gallente Federation, Omerta Syndicate had lost its home in much the same way, a small orbit to surface missile crashed into the Palermo Center, killing a huge percentage of those within and around, and putting Omerta Syndicate out of business.


Vassili looked upon the crowd, enjoying a few of the more suprised expressions. He noticed one man had gone completely pale, he recognised the whitewashed fellow from somewhere, but couldn't quite place where exactly.

"Thankyou for listening."

The two Deteis left abruptly and without fuss, the announcement had been made.

Day Three - 5:40PM - Kourmonen, The Bleak Lands.

As the first shot rang out, Vassili dropped to his haunches, the assault rifle raised to aim. The guards initial shot had ricocheted off the wall just above their heads, the rushed shot proving a fatal mistake as a burst of tactical rail charges thrust him backward off his feet.
More gun-toting security scurried into the room ahead, taking up defensive positions in anticipation of the groups entry.

Armed response teams had been dispatched in an attempt to pacify the threat, if the hangar was sealed before they escaped, it was only a matter of time before the teams overwhelmed them.

Now they knew where the attacking Omerta members were, all teams would be alerted and heading towards their location.

They broke off through another room, attempting to avoid the team ahead - the team that was a man down. They waded through what was now knee-deep water out of another exit, leading into a long narrow corridor.

"This way" Vassili led, Kale didn't feel there was time to argue this one, and followed, Yuki stirring slightly as she hung half way down his back.
Both guns were aimed straight ahead, watching for movement at the culmination of the waterlogged walkway, none came.
Vassili crouched, aware that the door to his right was another entrance to the room containing the team they were avoiding, and snuck past, low and slow, through the deepening water.
Kale followed suit, neither of them noticing after passing the door, that it began to slide open.

A guard slipped almost silently through the doorway, right behind Kale, and aimed at him.

The gunshot was deafening, and absolutly devastating at such range. Kale's eyes widened, he'd felt the blow to his back.

He turned around to see the guard. Slumping, wheezing, the man fell face down in the water. Vassili had turned too.
Yuki slipped off his shoulder, leaning against a wall to keep her balance, Kale's sidearm in her hands. He narrowed his eyes at her.

"You elbowed me when you took the gun."

She shot him a withering glance, trying not to show her amusement at his humour during such a situation.

"I'm sorry, i'll let the next one shoot you." She sounded half asleep, and was visibly weak.

"I knew he was there all along." He replied.

"You two stop smooching and move your arses?" Vassili interjected.

The same door flung open as the team all tried to flood out at once, having located the source of the gunshot. Vassili and Kale peppered the open door with charges as the first few stormed out, cutting them down before they could so much as take aim, and began running, Kale half dragging Yuki by her arm as she half-stumble-ran in an attempt to keep up, pale faced and in pain.

Hurling bullets behind them as they ran, the trio finally reached the end of the corridor, wasting no time in getting through the door, and ran for the hangar.

The doors were open, they were still moving people out. A uniformed officer was escorting an attractive young Gallente lady through the now chest height water, holding the woman above the surface, her being too short to stand, but unable to swim, as Yuki was forced to do - helped by Kale.

Vassili dropped the almost-empty rifle and pulled out his .50 Neutron, the guard noticing him too late to do anything but look shocked before his face collapsed from the impact, crimson exploding from the back of his head. The gallente woman fell into the water, dragged down by her dead helper, only her flailing arms visible above the surface.

They approached a shuttle, wading onto the boarding platform before being raised to the ship itself, projectiles whizzing over their heads as the pursuing team opened fire.

They were too late. The trio were in the shuttle, and Kale was headed for the capsule. As the camera drone slipped into position, Kale turned it around to see that enough water was now contained for the hangar doors to automatically lock down. And they did. Each of the huge doors slammed in place - only taking a half second each to lock into position.

As the shuttle pulled out of the station, the water was flushed into space as expected. The over-zealous chasing team following it in its void bound fate.
Corpses floated out of the docking bay, close behind the small Caldari shuttle.

It went to warp.

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Shintoko Akahoshi

Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 1101

PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 5:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I remember this piece, I really liked it. Especially the way that the protagonists don't effortlessly waltz through things. I also especially like the dialog, it's catchy.

Now for the issues I have with the piece... Very Happy

Gun related issues:
- No antimatter within atmo, please. Atmosphere and antimatter do not mix, unless you're intending it to be a suicide weapon.

- No plasma bolts within atmo, either. A plasma gun would be akin to a flamethrower, not a rifle.

- Do you have to be so specific about the kind of gun Yuki uses? It's reminiscent to that terrible species of fanfic where all the descriptions are very vague "xxx walks through the hall, past this and that, comes to something" until they pull out their "0.475 caliber bolt-action repeating saddle cannon with antique mahogany stocks and an integral electric can-opener". Description should be detailed enough for people to get a picture of what's going on. More detail can be added if the protagonists emotional state would indicate this. If Yuki really likes her gun, then describe it. But then you've got to do it lovingly. "Yuki's palm was slick with sweat as she gripped her Rhizome rail pistol. Her eyes lingered on the enameled insignia over the receiver, then followed the engraved barrel to the lighted sights."

- No blaster pistols, either. The radiation would be harmful to everyone in the general vicinity of the gun - think BFG 9000.

- Be careful writing about things like the modified .50 neutron. A gun basically is a kinetic weapon - the heavier the round and the faster it goes, the more damage it does. However, this also produces the recoil. Modern handguns don't fire rounds as powerful as rifles not because of limitations of the gun, but of the weilder. It would be the same thing with this handgun.

General issues:
- The description of the sprinkler system is gratuitous. It's okay in your notes to say "the sprinkler is basically like a conventional one without the eye sores", but you need to make the description more pleasurable to read. Something about "water misted down from tiny holes in the ceiling panels", maybe.

- Ditto for AUPS. Don't say "it's a program that can do xxx". Show what's on the AUPS screen, then provide the back info to explain it. Show, don't tell.

- In the scene where Kale carries Yuki: The description of Yuki does tell you why he has no trouble carrying her. It's a pretty dry description, though. Describe her. Don't just quote statistics about her.

- "the only negativity in their mind" doesn't really work... That whole paragraph has awkward lines in it.

Retired blaster slut and current Beagle hustler
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Yuki Li

Joined: 08 Mar 2006
Posts: 2366

PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 2:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i always have the issue of invention with eve-related sidearms, it's difficult working out what can and can't, because i'm by no means much for physics, nevermind the differences between weapons that don't exist in/out of atmosphere Razz

Same again with the blaster.

and the neutron, though, .50 handguns do exist IRL, so neutron aside...

Agreed on sprinklers, that was annoying me alot, i couldn't get my head around describing them.

And again with the AUPS.

Needs more work i guess ^^

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Gallente Shuttle Wreck

Joined: 09 Mar 2006
Posts: 1850
Location: Six Feet Under

PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 3:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dude it's still a fucking kickass story.

This one story has been a driving force for my inspirations about Omerta's RP. It's been like my own little Omerta PF for all these months. Glad it's back, sleek it up some with some o' dat Shinny love and it'll be purrfectual for the new site. Wink
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Shintoko Akahoshi

Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 1101

PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 3:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, don't get me wrong - it's one of my favorite pieces of Eve fiction, and it's already heads and shoulders above most fanfic.

The .50 cal neutron pistol objection, by the way, isn't based on the caliber of the weapon, but the apparent "hotting up" of the charge to increase velocity. You could get around that to some degree by increasing the mass of the weapon (the heavier the gun, the less recoil you'll feel for a given charge - this is why full size desert eagles are so big).

Though, since "neutron" in Eve refers to a blaster, you might want to rethink the gun as a projectile weapon. Though it'd be cool if the make/model of the gun was "neutron" - "Potique Neutron Special .50" or something. Since the neutron blaster, as a spaceship weapon, is so badass, it'd make sense for an arms manufacturer to use the name to make their gun sound more badass, too.

Retired blaster slut and current Beagle hustler
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Kyoko Sakoda

Joined: 07 Mar 2006
Posts: 2804
Location: Under an emu.

PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've always imagined Caldari small arms as being regular projectile guns with a magnetic firing mechanism rather than an explosive based one.
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Shintoko Akahoshi

Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 1101

PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's an electromagnetic projectile weapon that I like to call a "railgun" Very Happy

Retired blaster slut and current Beagle hustler
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Nomad Steel

Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 370
Location: Lost waiting for rescue

PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 6:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Got to disagree on blasters, many stories in Sci Fi the hero or villain using a blaster pistol. Many of the side arms used in Star Wars as an example were Blasters, some were laser pistols. There are some writers that use strictly lasers or auto weapons of some sort. Much is dependent on how the characters home world is tech rated that would also come across as choice of weapon and whither they had some form of para military or military training at the planet or galactic level.

Plasma guns I agree with are controlled flamethrowers, blaster IMO would be a common item as would be to a lesser degree lasers or the old reliable auto weapons of some sort.

Hand held rail guns, hmm got to agree to a small degree, but need to check my 20-year-old edition of Space Opera and see the description of a rail gun side arm. I believe they maybe categorized as gauss weapons, I will check, then add the discription.

Otherwise I like the story, but then I like most stories even Twinis.

My say. Smile
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A Bowl Of Jello

Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 236
Location: Over there somewhere...

PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No says the man in Moscow "то, что селезенка?" Whatever that means.

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Shintoko Akahoshi

Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 1101

PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Riiiiight, but:

The hand held railgun is feasible, though you wouldn't be able to get any more velocity out of the round than you would with a similar conventional round. But "blasters" in Star Wars aren't the same as blasters in Eve. The Eve description of blasters on ships makes it obvious that they're talking about particle blasters, which are basically big particle accelerators. Those you couldn't fire in the atmosphere without all sorts of ungadly radiation effects.

Retired blaster slut and current Beagle hustler
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Nomad Steel

Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 370
Location: Lost waiting for rescue

PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Twinis I do really love you it is the only reason I pick on you sometimes. That and when I think I am far enough away to get away with it as well. Wink
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A Bowl Of Jello

Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 236
Location: Over there somewhere...

PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2006 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Never are you far enough away to escape my wrath.. merely stave off the inevitable for a moment... Always remember, in space nobody can hear you scream... But we both know you will. Wink
No says the man in Moscow "то, что селезенка?" Whatever that means.

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