The Exile... finally finished.

 
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Twinis
A Bowl Of Jello


Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 236
Location: Over there somewhere...

PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 6:57 pm    Post subject: The Exile... finally finished. Reply with quote

Alrighty.. finally finished the story and have put it into pdf format for easy reading. Hope you enjoy reading it. Smile

http://dl.eve-files.com/media/corp/twinis/The_Exile.pdf
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Taes Valkiir
Chimera


Joined: 30 Apr 2006
Posts: 850
Location: nineteen clicks and closing ...

PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 7:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

just finished. i like it. sheds some light on twin, that's for sure. looking forward to seeing you in the teahouse and la maison and such in the future.

now, back to rewriting my story ...

[see you in the sky.]
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Shintoko Akahoshi
Phoenix


Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 1101

PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 10:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If I didn't care for it, I'd probably just say "Nice job, dude", and have done with it.

But I like it, so I'm slapping my OCD hat on...

- You've got to do something about the table of contents. It's so, so busted.
- You really like the word "slipstream". Every time a ship goes into warp, you use the term. Sadly, "slipstream" doesn't mean what you seem to think it means. It's kind of jarring to me, then, when you use it.
- More descriptions, please! You've got a great opportunity to show all sorts of things: Minmatar Fleet military trials (what does the room look like? What does the judge wear? Even a few sentences here would add to the immersion); The interior of La Maison (remember, it hasn't been openly advertized for a few years. Most players will have no idea what it is); The interior of various stations.
- La Maison is a VR bar with weapons protocols in place - you simply can't hurt anyone in it. This makes the whole "Zaitsev's thugs disarm Twinis, Zaitsev's thugs press Twinis into a chair" thing either inaccurate or sinister (Twinis can't harm Zaitsev, and Zaitsev would know this, therefore Zaitsev disarms Twinis for psychological reasons. If this is the case, you should explain it). Not to mention, there is no reason for Zaitsev to have bodyguards there at all, unless for window dressing.
- Zaitsev mentions that Twinis' husband anddaughter were murdered while Twinis was in prison. Though the story covers Twinis' imprisonment, nothing is said of this murder until this point. This makes it seem as if it doesn't really matter to Twinis. If this isn't the case, you should do something to prevent this impression from being given.
- Is the Stabber with the MWD, 2 fleeting webs and scrambler a Fleet Stabber? If so, say so. Otherwise it looks like you don't know anything about Stabbers, which is obviously not the case.
- In general, the story paints Twinis out to be a generic badass, yet that's not the impression I get of Twinis' character. The Eve Library is filled with stories about people who are generic badasses, and they generally come across as cardboard.

A basic short story is about a single struggle. The main character has something that they want to happen. They should be able to accomplish what they want, but only at a cost to themselves.

In this story, you catch a glimmer of this happening: Twinis wants 11th to leave Grammaton alone. She's able to accomplish this, but she must sacrifice herself to do it. That should really be the core of your story, with everything else being either window dressing or background. In other words, emphasize this struggle. What does Twinis think about it?

So, in closing: Nice story, dude! Very Happy
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Twinis
A Bowl Of Jello


Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 236
Location: Over there somewhere...

PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.. Thanks for the commends Shinny. Glad you enjoyed it though I realize I glossed over some details that shouldn't have been. To answer your questions, yes, it was a fleet stabber she was flying at that particular time and yes, I'm fully aware of the safeguards regarding La Maison and for some reason I assumed it was common knowledge and that yes, V was also fully aware of them but assumed Twinis was not and used it against her with a great deal of success.

Next work I'm having you go over with an editorial eye before publish. Which I started to do before posting in the first place... Damn my second thinking of myself. Very Happy
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Nomad Steel
Scorpion


Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 370
Location: Lost waiting for rescue

PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 10:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good story bud. Now start some with Omerta in it.
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